Don't Let Me Go Read online

  Billy brought his gaze down from the ceiling to Jesse, who smiled at him, and the smile made him get that weird shy look again.

  Jesse could make people do things they never did, and be ways they’d never been before, Grace decided. Jesse was magic. Not magic magic, like more than just a real human person. Just better at making things happen than anybody else. At least, anybody else in Grace’s world.

  “Oh!” Grace said out loud, and everybody turned and looked at her. “Sorry,” she said. “Nothing. It was nothing. I just all of a sudden figured something out.”

  Jesse wasn’t afraid of everybody else. That was what she’d figured out. Grace had finally met somebody who wasn’t afraid of people! That’s what was so different about him. But she didn’t say so out loud.

  Meanwhile Jesse held out the little copper bowl on the palm of his hand and gave Billy the carved stick, and showed him how to hit the bowl one quick time on the side like it was a gong. Billy tried it, and this amazing tone filled the room, like a bell ringing out, high and clear, and lasting and lasting and lasting. It made something nice tingle inside Grace’s middle.

  Jesse moved on then, to Felipe, and smudged him with the little trails and curls of whitish smoke. Felipe looked serious, as though he had an important job to do.

  “Well, I sort of thought I didn’t forgive him,” Felipe said. “Because it’s hard to forgive somebody for hating you for such a bad reason. But maybe he was just scared of me, like Jesse says. Besides, if Billy will do it, I can try to do it.”

  Felipe took the carved stick from Billy and hit the bowl, and the tone was much shorter and harder, and it hurt Grace’s ears a little bit this time, but she still liked it.

  Then Felipe handed the carved wooden stick to Grace.

  Jesse blew on the sage again, and a cloud of smoke billowed out on to Grace and made her sneeze. It reminded her of Peter Lafferty, sneezing in this apartment because he was allergic to the cat. Her cat. It was already weird to think that Mr. Lafferty the Girl Cat had ever been anybody else’s cat besides hers.

  “Bless you,” Jesse said.

  “Thanks,” Grace replied. “I sort of liked him OK. Not that I don’t think he was mean. He was. But he did some nice stuff for me. So, at least somebody has something nice to say about you, Mr. Lafferty. The person, I mean. At least it’s not like you just died and nobody cares at all. Oh. And by the way. We’re taking good care of the cat.”

  Grace waited, expecting Rayleen to take her turn. But Jesse didn’t move away. Just as she was starting to wonder why, Jesse held the bowl high on his palm.

  “Oh. Right. Sorry.”

  She gave it what she thought was a good hard tap with the stick, but it just made a pretty, but little, sound that faded away soon enough. Just the opposite of me, Grace thought. Quieter than you were expecting.

  Jesse moved over then and stood in front of Rayleen, and looked right at her face. But Rayleen just kept looking at the glowing end of the tied-up sage. Jesse smudged her with waves of his hand in the smoke, but maybe for longer than anybody else. It seemed long to Grace.

  “OK, that’s good,” Rayleen said, but she didn’t sound like she meant it was good. She sounded like she meant it was enough. “I don’t know a hell of a lot about forgiving people, to be real frank. I’m not set against it, I just haven’t practiced much. I just more or less set things down and get on with it. I pretty much only came here for Grace’s sake. And I can’t stand here like Billy did and say I really mean it. But, like Felipe said, if Billy’s willing to do it, I guess I can do it. Or at least I can try. He sure was an unhappy guy. I sure see Billy’s point about that.”

  She took the carved stick from Grace, and struck the bowl with the most enormous sound. It wobbled. It echoed. It hung around and around, and everybody just stood still and marveled at how long it took to fade. At least, Grace knew she marveled. And everybody else stood still, so she figured they marveled, too.

  Grace wondered if Mrs. Hinman could hear that last big tone from upstairs, and if it made her sorry she hadn’t come. After all, it sounded so beautiful, and not preposterous at all.

  • • •

  “We have to wait,” Grace said, hitching the straps of her backpack higher on to her shoulders.

  “For what?” Rayleen asked, sounding foggy.

  Some mornings Rayleen could drink two or even three cups of coffee and still sound like she’d just rolled out of bed. Grace had noticed that. This seemed to be one of those mornings.

  “Billy is coming.”

  “Oh. Good.”

  A second later they heard footsteps trotting down the stairs, and Jesse appeared, snapping his jacket as he jogged along the hall. His scalp was shiny, like he’d just shaved it, and his beard looked freshly trimmed.

  “I’m ready,” he said.

  “For what?” Rayleen asked.

  Now she sounded a little defensive. And, also, Grace noticed she ran her fingers through her hair to fluff it up and straighten it out, which seemed weird. It did look slightly on the uncombed side, which was unlike Rayleen, but if she didn’t mind Grace seeing it that way, and she didn’t like Jesse anyway, why fix it now?

  “I’m going along,” Jesse said.

  “Since when?”

  “It’s to help Billy,” Grace butted in to say. “It’s for morale support for Billy.”

  “Why aren’t we moral support for Billy?” Rayleen asked. “I thought that’s why he went with us.”

  Jesse walked up and stood close, maybe too close for Rayleen’s tastes, because she took a step backward.

  “But that doesn’t help if he can’t make it all the way. Then you have to stay with Grace all the way to her school, and he comes home alone, and there’s no one to make sure he doesn’t get himself into some disaster like last time.”

  Silence in the hallway. Grace wondered if Rayleen knew what disaster Billy had got into last time, which, if so, would still only make one of them who knew, at least so far.

  “What happened last time?” Rayleen asked.

  “You didn’t know?”

  Billy’s voice. “I didn’t exactly tell them.”

  Billy stepped out into the hallway. He was wearing a nice black sweatshirt and woven sandals and jeans, and looked the way people do when they’re planning on relaxing, which Grace figured was at least worth trying for in Billy’s case.

  “Billy,” Rayleen said, like she was his mother and he was misbehaving. “Why didn’t you tell me something happened last time? What happened?”

  “One. Because it was humiliating and I didn’t want to talk about it. Two. I got locked out because I didn’t know they’d put a lock on the front door since I first moved in. So Jesse’s going to go with us and then walk me home. That’s OK, isn’t it?”

  “Sure, whatever,” Rayleen said. “Let’s just go.”

  So they did. But everything felt tense, and nobody said anything for blocks, except for Jesse, who was walking a couple of steps behind them with Billy, saying quiet things to Billy to calm him down, like the kinds of things people in Western movies say to their horses when they want them not to be so skittish, so nobody gets thrown.

  Grace kept looking back, and Billy kept being back there, which was sort of a miracle all in itself.

  “Jesse is magic,” Grace whispered, being sure Rayleen wouldn’t hear.

  “What did you say?” Rayleen muttered, still sounding asleep.

  “Nothing.”

  Grace turned again to see Jesse walking with one hand at the base of Billy’s neck in the back. Like he was giving him a little mini-massage. It was interesting to watch, so Grace walked backwards a few steps and watched them.

  “Loosen,” she heard Jesse say. “Try to loosen up all through here.” Then he used both his hands on Billy’s shoulders, feeling and rubbing. “And all through here. Try to let all that go. OK, that’s good, but I think you forgot to breathe again.”

  Billy breathed in so hard Grace could hear the air going in. />
  “Better,” Jesse said, “but if you can manage it, try for steadier. Not so feast and famine.”

  Whatever that means, Grace thought. Just what she needed was two people who talked like Billy, so you couldn’t understand a word they said.

  She looked past them to see that they were three blocks away from home already.

  “Billy!” she squealed. “You came so far!”

  Billy’s eyes shot open wide, and he tried to turn his head, but Jesse used his hand at the back of Billy’s head to keep him turned forward.

  “No,” Jesse said, “don’t look back. It’s like looking down when you’re on a tightrope. Take another step forward. Keep concentrating on the step you’re about to take. Doesn’t matter what’s ahead or behind. Let it be all about the step you’re on now.”

  Rayleen put a hand on Grace’s shoulder and turned her back around.

  “They’re doing fine,” Rayleen said, “and besides, I don’t want you to trip.”

  So Grace just looked forward and walked forward, but she kept her ears tuned to Billy and Jesse in back of them. She listened to everything Jesse said, but never spoke another word to them, because she didn’t want to be the one who made Billy look back and get scared.

  What seemed like no more than two minutes later, Grace looked up and saw the school. They were on the same block as her school! She stopped and whipped around, and they were still back there. Billy was still back there!

  “Billy, you did it!” she screamed. “You walked to my school!”

  Grace ran to him and hugged him around the waist.

  “I have to go home now,” he said in a hoarse whisper, like he’d gotten laryngitis and lost his voice just since they’d started walking.

  “You did so good, though!”

  Grace felt Billy kiss the top of her head. Then he turned and ran. Flat-out ran. Grace had no idea Billy could run so fast. Must have been all that dancing he’d done for most of his life.

  Jesse raised his hand in a little wave. “Sorry I can’t wait and walk back with you, Rayleen.” Then he took off after Billy.

  “Jesse, you’re magic!” Grace called after him.

  She wasn’t sure whether he’d heard her or not. But, after it was way too late to take it back and not say it, Grace realized that Rayleen had definitely heard.

  Grace stood a moment, extra close to Rayleen, and watched them run.

  Then she said, “I think I finally really believe it now. That Billy’s coming to my school to watch me dance. It’s like I thought I believed it before, only now I really do, and now I know that before I sort of really didn’t, even though I thought I did. Do you really not like him? Because everybody else thinks he’s great.”

  “Are you kidding? I love Billy.” Then, before Grace could even straighten out Rayleen’s thinking, she said, “Oh. Jesse.”

  “I don’t mean it to be getting all up in your business. I just wondered. Because it seems like it would be hard not to like him.”

  Rayleen sighed. Grace waited.

  “He seems like a nice enough guy,” she said. “I just don’t want to be fixed up with anybody. Not even somebody nice.”

  “I wasn’t,” Grace shouted, stepping back and throwing both hands out, defensively, like a shield.

  “I know,” Rayleen said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so grouchy about it the other day. I apologize.”

  “Yeah, you were really grouchy,” Grace said.

  “Have you ever done anything wrong?”

  “Um. Yeah. Lots.”

  “Wouldn’t you want someone to accept your apology?”

  “Yeah. Got it. OK. I accept your apology. It hurt my feelings, though.”

  Rayleen reached down and picked Grace up by her underarms for a hug, so that they were the same height, except that Grace’s feet dangled and didn’t touch the ground.

  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” she said. Then she kissed Grace on the cheek and set her down. “Have a good day at school.”

  Then Grace had to wipe a couple of stray tears out of her eyes, quick, before anyone from school could see.

  Billy

  Billy locked himself safely back into his apartment, feeling as though he’d run at least three marathons in as many days, without benefit of one single night’s sleep in-between.

  He washed his face, nursing the staticky exhaustion in his midsection. He changed back into his pajamas, pulled all the curtains closed, and tucked himself into bed, prepared to sleep the day away.

  Not ten minutes later he was startled by a pounding on his door.

  It didn’t only scare him because of its suddenness. It was troublesome because nobody pounded any more. Grace and Rayleen signal-knocked, Felipe knocked gently, Jesse knocked like a gentleman, Mr. Lafferty was dead, and Mrs. Hinman didn’t come around. And Grace’s mom was still loaded. At least, so far as he knew.

  “Who is it?” he called, his voice embarrassingly tremulous. He had no energy left for…well, anything.

  “Rayleen,” Rayleen’s voice said through the door.

  Billy walked to the door, unlocked it and opened it wide.

  “No signal-knock today.”

  “Oh. Sorry. Right. I guess I forgot. So, is he gone?”

  “Is who gone? Oh. You mean Jesse.”

  “You bet I mean Jesse.”

  “He’s up in his own apartment. Why?”

  But Rayleen just stood there, not offering anything in the way of answers.

  “Care to come in?” Billy asked.

  She did.

  “You seem upset,” he said, because somebody had to say something.

  “Do you really think he did that because he cares about you?” she asked, finally, settling herself on his big stuffed armchair.

  Billy wondered if she had forgotten she was allergic to cats, or if she was just too upset to trifle with such an issue.

  “I do,” Billy said. “Absolutely.”

  “You don’t think he might’ve come along as a way of getting to me?”

  “No. I don’t. Because when he first volunteered to help me, he had no idea I hadn’t been going out by myself.”

  “Oh,” Rayleen said.

  Billy watched an uncomfortable shift take place in her. She’d come in angry, and that anger had been serving her well, and providing a safe place for her to rest. Billy could see that, and feel it. Now he’d snatched it away, like pulling the sheets out from under her in her sleep. It was hard to watch her struggle to regain momentum.

  He sat down on the very edge of the couch.

  Rayleen dropped her face into her hands.

  “I hope it won’t upset you, what I’m about to say,” he said. “But I’m having a hard time understanding why you’re so bent out of shape about this. I mean, if you don’t want to date him, why don’t you just say no?”

  A long silence. Rayleen did not remove her face from her hands.

  Finally she said, “But what if ‘no’ is the wrong answer?”

  “Ah,” Billy said, placing his hands on his knees and levering to his feet. “I’ll just make a pot of coffee.”

  • • •

  When he arrived back in his own living room with the two mugs of coffee, all prepared to ask Rayleen what she took in hers, he found her curled into his big easy chair with her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around her knees, her face buried.

  She was crying.

  “Hey,” he said quietly, sitting on the ottoman near her knees. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Don’t scare me. Don’t forget I’m supposed to be the emotional one.”

  Rayleen’s face emerged and she smiled sadly. Just a hint of a little smile. Her make-up was slaughtered, mascara smeared on to her cheeks.

  “You don’t have the monopoly,” she said.

  “No, but I still do it better than anybody else. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I just have issues with men, is all. I’m not trusting. It’s a very old leftover from when I was nine and
got myself thrown into the foster-care system. And that’s all I’m going to say about that, because…well, because that’s all I’m going to say about that. I don’t talk about that time.”

  Billy could hear the hoarseness forming in her throat. Maybe from crying, but probably not. Probably from the cat. He wondered if he should remind her, the way she and Grace were nice enough to remind him when he was so upset he didn’t realize he was standing out in the hall. Oh, but that was in the old days, wasn’t it? This morning he’d stood by Grace’s school, though not for long.

  He set Rayleen’s mug on the arm of her chair.

  He sat quietly for a moment, warming his hands on his coffee cup. Not because they were cold, but because his own coffee, with his own cream, in his own mug, hadn’t changed. Wasn’t even in the process of changing. So he stayed as close to it as possible.

  “You get along fine with Felipe and me,” he said, knowing he had to say something.

  “You and Felipe aren’t trying to get any closer.”

  “True.”

  “I don’t think I can do this.”

  “So don’t.”

  “But I keep thinking about what Jesse said. About Lafferty. How we should use him as a reminder to be less afraid. And I keep thinking…oh, my God, can you imagine ending up like Lafferty?”

  “You couldn’t. Don’t even stress about that. It couldn’t happen. You’re not that mean.”

  “But I’m that shut off from everybody.”

  “No. That’s not true. You’re not. Look what you’re doing for Grace.”

  Rayleen laughed ruefully, then sniffled. Billy jumped up and brought her a box of tissues.

  “I guess what I meant is, I was that shut off. Until she came along. And now I’m in this sort of no-man’s-land in-between. And it’s really uncomfortable.”